A Time to Care Loving your elderly parents

EXPLORE THE BOOK:

CONTENTS

Introduction

IntroductionWe bumped into old friends at a conference and agreed to eat together. As we relaxed after lunch we enjoyed catching up on the news: children, jobs, projects and churches. Presently someone asked, ‘So how’s your Mum these days?’, and we went on to chat about our ageing parents.

I was the youngest there, just beginning on the parent-care journey, and I was squashing down panic. On our return home the following day I knew I would be plunged back into a new and scary world, where my parents’ frailty was deepening. I felt isolated, worried and out of my depth.

As we talked, I began to feel that something special was happening to me. I had a sense that here was a place where I could be me, tell the truth, and be understood and loved. It was wonderful to be with people in the same boat, and somehow it all felt strangely familiar.

Finally the penny dropped. I felt as I had done years before, when as young parents we had all huddled together for comfort, deciphering how to raise healthy children in the Christian faith. We had worked as a team, brainstorming, sympathizing, babysitting, cracking black jokes, praying, making crisis phone calls and learning to love one another along the way. The church off ered good teaching for parents, and Sunday school for the children. There were good Bible-based books, positive toys and all sorts of resources to help us to parent well. We did the job as a community.

I looked around the room with different eyes. Here was the same possibility, but in another setting. Surely there must be masses of us out there, cooking, praying and keeping company, ringing the GP, trying to track down a shirt like the ones Dad’s always worn, and all the rest of it. Where was the support? Where were the equivalents of the toddler groups, the excellent resources on parenting, child development, diet and teenage traumas? Where were the sermons, study groups, Christian books, websites and magazines on caring for parents? Didn’t we need support, love and encouragement too?

Presently I asked if anyone knew of a good Christian book on caring for parents, to keep me sane when I got back home again. Everybody shook their heads.

‘You could write a book I’d like to read,’ I said as I looked around at the group. ‘I wish someone would write down all the things we’ve learned so far, for other people in our shoes.’ But in the end I wrote the book myself, drawing from the experience and wisdom of many friends, supplying a book that I believe is badly needed today.

A path for real people

I have not been a perfect carer, nor am I as Christlike as I could and should be – just ask my family. All I am qualified to do is to draw you a map of where I’ve been, writing from painful experience about the many pitfalls that I have landed in, and the strategies that I and others have discovered to dig ourselves out again.

Of course caring for parents is not confined to Christians, and a good thing too! However, my vision is to bring the riches of the Christian faith into the challenges of this task, so there is plenty of Bible teaching in the pages ahead, along with other information, advice and support.

I delved back into the Bible to fi nd God’s perspective on parent-caring, with results that surprised me. God has a lot to say about the elderly. The Bible provides inspiring reasons to care for parents, and solid, relevant help and encouragement for carers when the going gets tough. However, since God always looks at the heart, he is also vitally interested in how the process of care might shape a carer’s life, so we’ll look at that aspect too. We have a lot to gain while going through the season of parent-care.

I’ve talked to many parent-carers along the way to discover and tackle our big issues: role reversal, stress, embarrassment, time-management, handling a move and dealing with death. I’ve drawn from my own years of caring for my ageing parents, and what I’ve learned from the elderly and their families in my work as a doctor. Since I’m now limited physically by chronic illness, I can also give you a peek into how it feels to be in poor health and on the receiving end of care.

This book is designed to be read right through, or dipped into as you need it. Each chapter ends with questions and ideas to ponder or discuss, and quick quotes to take away if you’re too pushed for time to sit down and read at any length.

My prayer is that this book will off er you a strong scriptural foundation for the valuable ministry of parent-caring, adding on practical ideas, encouragement and inspiration to give you confi dence to serve God effectively.

Dr Emily Ackerman

Edinburgh

April 2010